Of Daemons and Angels

I want to start this post by asking you two questions: Do you know your daemons? Do you know your angels? If your answer to those questions is like – that is childish, I do not believe in supernatural beings – then you really should read this. You can still disagree in the end. If your answer is no, then maybe it is time that you identify them, seek them out and get to know them. Monsters are a great dialogue partner. If your answer is yes, then hopefully you enjoy this article and maybe identify some more, hidden in plain sight. So let us get started by looking at those surreal beings and discovering some kind of black magic on the way.

Some Metaphysics to Start With

First, let us talk about the general metaphysical properties of daemons, monsters, angels, gnome or other spirits that come up in your mind. For sure, I do not think that there are little creatures sitting on your shoulder, talking into your ear or whispering and manipulating your subconsciousness. For the purpose of this article, we can visualize them in what ever way it suits us. Be creative, it should be a fun thing to do. For the scientific people, I want to compare it to numbers. Numbers do not exist in reality either. You always see either the symbol, or a quantity of objects building up a number. You are not able to observe the abstract number itself, and still the concept of numbers and quantities is familiar and useful for our daily life. The important property of these abstractions is the association with a name so we can assign properties to them. In the end, we have an immaterial object we can deal with, and use language to reflect and interact with it. Their exact properties, I will leave to philosophers to examine and define. This article is about the practical aspects, how to deal with them playfully. As I already said, Monsters are really cool buddies, they give you company even if nobody else it there.

Dark Magic

What is dark or black magic? I think we are all sure, that it must be super powerful. There is always a price to pay in its usage. Dark magic allows us to manipulate others, to archive our goals without the necessary work. Cheating on society, friends, family. Who cares about the consequences, as long as we get what we need?

But why should we actually reflect on dark magic when we are told as children it is so evil. Especially, when it does not align with our values? First, knowing about it, teaches us to reflect on our own doing. Dark magic is sometimes so easy to use – in reality it does not require years of deep practice like told in books – we just take the shortcut without thinking about the consequences. Second, we can easily become the target of dark practices – intended or accidental – so being able to identify it, is the first step in our defense. Mastering dark magic gives us the tools and understanding we require, that we can archive our goals without the need to rely on it. (I hope the last sentence was not too confusing, I will come back to it later.) Why do I call it dark magic? Well, it is just more fun than talking about malicious communication patterns. I think the metaphor fits nicely, and everybody needs more positive magic in life.

Search for Evils

So let us see where to find evil. The easies to identify are monsters and evil spirits. Monsters tell us what to do or what not. I will give you a couple of examples, so you have an idea what I am talking about. The assignment to hand in just turned into a monster, and instead of working on it, procrastinating seem the right way. Simple tasks, done in minutes, seem like a Hercules task. Proper cooking – why? A sweet snack is so much easier. Monsters can appear in many shapes, – sometimes in bright daylight – in places where we do not expect them. They are nasty, little creatures, stopping ourselves from mastering things we actually could (easily), rooted in old feelings, memories or just patterns of the past – or society.

Evil spirits influence our mood, talking lies in our ear, spreading miss-information about ourselves and others. Teaching shortcut explanations, presenting simple answers to complex questions and manipulating our decisions based on false facts and incomplete views.

Both monsters and evil spirits stop ourselves from archiving our full potential, by manipulating and creating hurdles and problems that are not really there. As already said, they hide in plain sight, and still it is so easy and often comfortable to fall for them. So here is the first task: Try to find your monsters, evil spirits or whatever evil creatures you have in your life, that keep appearing over and over. I will talk only about monsters from now on, just for the sake of readability of the text. Give them a name, draw a picture of them or find a different way to visualize them in a way it feels right to you. As they like to work from the dark shadows, secretly and unseen, visualizing and pointing them out takes away a lot of their power. Do not confuse the shadow of the monster, with the monster itself, and you will see that they are not as big and scary as one thinks.

The Devils of Others

When you finally start identifying your monsters, you might come to the insight that other people also have their monsters. I do not think that there are people you do not have any. Especially, if they tend to appear or say so they are either masters at hiding them or the monsters are so mighty that they already lost that fight. Others’ monsters are not your task, mostly. That monster belongs to somebody else, and it is the responsibility of the owner to handle it. But there is one important exception here. Only if others’ monsters affect the relationship to the other person negatively, you might want to find a way in dealing with them. Please just don’t say it to literally: You have a monster on your mind manipulating our relationship, please get rid of it! Nobody wants to hear that. Neither you nor others just can not get rid of monsters anyway. Rather try to name it and try to find a solution how to deal with it together. Sometimes we need help in mending our monsters. There is no shame in saying that. Somebody who is ignoring it, is just ignorant about the issues his monsters cause and stupid when it comes to maintaining a valuing relationship – first to themselves, and second to others.

Understanding our Buddies

The world is full of monsters – some lurking under the bed, some chilling their life in the freezer at night, some getting a sunburn lying on the beach, some gossiping about celebrities, friends or family, some staring from the front page of newspapers, some surfing through the data connections of your modern world. I already mentioned that it is impossible to get rid of them. Let me explain why that is so: Monsters are an integral part of a person. They can not exist without that person. If you remove them, you would also remove an aspect that person. Be that a part of their history, their character, their memories. Even though we often wish we could remove those aspects, cut off those bad characteristics, we can not without creating even bigger wounds.

Instead, let us try to get past that black-white thinking, where we only want to cultivate light and good aspects of life, and cutting down everything bad and evil. There are no bad emotions, nor memories on their own. First our personal mark as those, gives them that property. Our emotions and memories have a reason why they matter. Why our mind decided that they should stick around. And this reason is in our interest – the mind is truly wonderful. Sometimes, the consequences just get a little out of hand, especially in our modern world. Anger tells us, that something is unjust or does not align with our values. Fear tells us here to be careful. Hate tells us, who hurt us and did not make up to it again. Disgust tells us, where we should keep our distance. Grief tells us, what we have lost. Memories manifest disappointments, where our expectations could not be met. There are so much more, I am not able to list all of them, just identify them for your monsters. Also, I only focused on the one that are normally perceived as negative or bad. However, these properties also hold for the memories and emotions in general. We barely consider those positive emotions as problem though, even if there might be some problematic ones.

Instead of focusing on the bad feelings they cause – the ‘bad’ is an evaluation ourselves’ or one we were taught – we should look on the reasons why they are there and what they want to tell. They are part of yourself as much as the positive aspects – again ‘positive’ is an evaluation ourselves’ or one we were taught – and as such all our monsters deserve as much love as we give to our achievements. So lets look on how we tend the monsters properly, instead of feeding them.

Tending, not Feeding, Monsters

I like to point out the difference between ‘tending’ and ‘feeding’ monsters. Obviously – this is all meant metaphorically so let us enter your menagerie and master those beasts.

Feeding monsters means giving them more power and validation each time they seem to be right. It is creating a – negative – positive feedback loop, as the monsters are able to influence and manipulate our actions stronger, each time we act on their behalf. Instead of claiming our own actions, we submit to them and let them decide. By doing so be become more and more dependent on them. We are not acting on our own behalf, but rather on a tiny part of ourselves, emerged from fears, disappointments, hate and other sources where monsters feed from. This way of acting can result in a self-profiling prophecy, as we expect the result the monsters foresee, subconsciously act towards it and evaluate everything from that perspective.

So what can we do instead? Ignoring the monsters also seems a bad idea, as they try to catch our attention. Pushing them away mostly results that they come back angry just a little later and especially then, when we cannot deal with them at the moment. If your mind creates a monster it only will let it go again, if the problem is solved and the monster satisfied. Satisfying a monster without acting by its will is the difficult step, Declining them is even worse, as I already pointed out that they are part of ourselves, and by doing so we would just decline – or even hate – ourselves. And no, you do not want to treat yourself that way, even your monsters do not deserve that. I like to split in two parts, who we can tend our monsters properly.

First, – and this is probably the hardest part – we have to get to know the monster we are dealing with. Where does it come from? What does it want? Why is it there? Why does it want attention exactly now? Just go on a walk, take your monster with you or just grant yourself the time to think about your emotions. The better you get to know your monsters, the easier this will become, as monsters love to come back. They are super affectionate beings, take that to your advantage in how you treat them. Sometimes, they just get dressed differently. Sometimes, they appear with a crazy new haircut. Sometimes, they bring a friend to distract you. You do not have to understand them in all details, just get an idea what they want – security, acceptance, recognition, and what purpose your mind might have given them.

Second, you have to find a proper way to satisfy the reason, your monster wants attention in the first place. Monsters focus on short term thinking. They want something now. They do not think about the cost. They like to take the shortcut. And yes, they do not realize the danger and problems going that way. Try to figure out how to satisfy your monsters in the long term. What changes do you need and can afford? How can you satisfy your monster in a way, that is does not come back the next day demanding more. Tending monsters takes time and energy. Just be sure, that after you have dealt with them, they are happy for a while, so you can deal with other monsters or even some nice things undisturbed.

When you manage to first accept your monster, and second also find a solution for the demands they rise, you have tended them properly – they are content, sleepy and won’t bother you again for some time. I like to imagine them laying on a couch, belly full and facing upwards. You can pet them as they are an important part of your inner emotions. It is their right to be there, and signal you when something is off. However, this does not mean that they are the best advisor, when you face challenges so think carefully when you give them the lead and get them back in line when they are overreacting. The better you get to know your monsters and the more practice you get in tending them, the easier it becomes. And that is something great – no hook attached, except you take your monsters out fishing.

Mastering Dark Magic

Knowing how to deal with monsters properly, how to deal with our daemons and spirits, we can now come to dark magic. For this article, I want to understand dark magic as manipulation tactics. When we understand the sources of such evil in ourselves, and are able to change that behavior (or are at least observing and reflecting about it to change it in the future). This magic has a couple of interesting properties, I want to take a look at next. There is always a caster or initiator and a target. Important is the relationship between those both: The initiator is superior to the target. Only the goals and achievements of the initiator matter the consequences sacrifices and resource of the target do not. Any interaction that creates this hierarchy in a relationship gets its strength from this dark pattern. It is a malicious manipulation towards the other person. It takes away the other’s person rights not allowing own decisions, goals, and wishes. From a short term perspective those dark patterns seem rather successful and effective – both in time and resources. This is because of two reasons: The resources are not split equally – the initiator takes far more out then the target, but investing comparatively little. As only the goals of the initiator matters, it might be possible that the target realizes it gets exploited or even experiences the interaction negatively. In the end, the relationship from the target’s perspective towards the initiator is hurt on the levels of trust, reciprocal interest and goodwill. For this reason, relying on dark pattern or tricks, bears the risk that the relationship takes damage, or might even break.

When we know the properties of dark magic, we can not only detect it in others, but also reflect it in our own actions. Some tactics are accepted in society. Others are imitated subconsciously. Often those seem to work nicely, so we really should give those patterns a second thought. Our goal is a mutually equal relationship where both persons of a conversation or interaction matter, and their wishes, demands, resources, and capabilities are discussed and decided together. The interaction should be: ‘I am fine, and you are fine.’ We give the other as much space as to ourselves to express themselves. This does not mean that if a person is shy or keeps itself in the background we should only interact reserved in that way too. But instead of filling out all the space, they provide – we would just take it – we could motivate the other person to fill this part from her side. However, this motivation still must be a can and not a should. The other person is ‘fine’ (as we are too), how they are doing it, and we should accept and match our behavior accordingly.

Dark Asymmetry

As soon as there is an asymmetry, the communication becomes manipulative. Interestingly, this works in both ways: Either by getting superior, or inferior artificially. ‘I know it better than you!’ is equally demanding as ‘I am helpless you have to help me!’. Another aspect is, that these levels can change dynamically in an interaction. Just treat others as equal, and resign or block it if they try to create an imbalance to archive their goals. Last, I want to add some word of warning, that you might want to play it carefully, as manipulation is somewhat tolerated or even demanded by some. Some people really do not like it, when their manipulation attempts strike empty. Sometimes, it is better to play along for the sake of the relationship. However, it is always up to you, how much time you invest into it, when such a relationship feels like going sidewards.

Some Notes about Angels

What about angels? I hope you have your angels, that can help you when you are down. That are there for you when you need them. Maybe you need to figure out who or what they are, but once identified, they are an infinite source of strength and backup support. And even if they might be not available at the moment – good angels can be rather busy themselves – it is good knowing they are there and believe in you. For those you are always fine. Whatever is going on with you at the moment. Do not take them for granted.

Closing Thoughts

I walked you through some thoughts how to deal with your daemons and monsters. How to tend them and how to protect yourself from the daemons of others. I hope you found one or another idea inspiring to reflect how you treat yourself and how you interact with others. These ideas are not a one-time-switch. Like the monsters, they prefer regular tending, like a recalibration, as you and your surroundings change. And now, go out, search and tend your monsters. Maybe you can just start an art session together to begin getting to know them.

Some Notes on Sources

Search Inside Yourself – Chade-Meng Tan (Metaphor of the monsters, Ideas on how to deal with monsters)

Schwarze Rethorik – Cristiane-Marie Drühe (Communication without (dark) manipulation patterns)